Let's talk small for a minute. Small talk.

I was meeting with a client who is a strong leader but is dissatisfied with their life. Outside of the people who get paid to listen to them, or others who want something, they hardly have any other exchanges - no true friends they said. Also, they hate small talk.

Are you someone who hates "small talk" too? What is "small talk" anyway? According to Cambridge's dictionary - "Small talk" is a "conversation about things that are not important, often between people who do not know each other well."

What if we shifted the definition a bit (I'm sure those at Cambridge will not mind)?

What if we thought of "small talk" as an opportunity for exchange about things we cared about? What if we entered with genuine curiosity about the other?

Make it about them, not you.

Also, what if "What do you do?" wasn't the first question? OR the other entry line of "Tell me about yourself" which immediately puts someone in an interview state of mind with pressure to perform or say the right thing.

What if you enter with "What has your attention these days?" for instance? A specific but open ended question that speaks to their deeper sensibility, experience, passion .. call upon their humanity - show you want to know more about them, their point of view.
Don't start off too heavy or try to steer the conversation to your interests. Again, this is about them not you.

Now, listen deeply.
Remember Epictetus, a great Greek Stoic philosopher who said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

Lean in with soft eyes and follow up with a genuine "Tell me more."
Stay curious and in the moment. If you start to get bored, you have moved out of curiosity and away from the present.

Be ready for the "How about you?" question that is inevitable in an exchange of deeper listening and engagement but keep it a conversation. This doesn't now become a take over as a gift for your exceptional listening prior.

By the way, don't try this at a bar where there is loud music. In that case, give over to the sounds of the room; allow yourself to be quiet but present; notice what is going on around you. Stay interested and outward focused. Think about it. Aren't we always more interested in the one who doesn't need to speak all the time?

If this is a networking event which often happens at a bar or loud conference situation, find a quieter corner - let the person know "I really want to be able to hear you." Then, really listen. Who are they going to remember? The ones who shouted at them trying to be heard over the crowd or the one who really took the time to listen and be present?

You know the answer.